I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
