I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
