I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
All I want is dick and wine.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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