i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
