His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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