No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
