He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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