i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
