i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
