when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
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School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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