I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
