i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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