is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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