I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
