I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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