i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
