god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
