Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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