Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just high enough for therapy.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
