I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
