Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
