I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
