So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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