conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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