i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
