If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
