I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
