Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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