I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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