Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
