Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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