Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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