I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
