Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
