I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
