im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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