Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
