she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
