Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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