You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
