my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
