got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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