i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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