i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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