Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
