New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The best revenge is premature balding
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Randomize
