I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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