Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Randomize
