I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
