Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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