I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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