I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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