Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
