i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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